By Glen Wunderlich Outdoor Columnist Member Professional Outdoor Media Association
Groundhog Day has come and gone, as has another reason to party in Punxsutawney. It almost makes me want to cry. Almost. But, what really bothers me is the way ol’ Phil is treated. I mean just how humane is it to drag him from his burrow and parade him in front of the world demanding he predict the weather. And, a six-week prognostication, at that. I can understand why he’s so popular; heck, our best meteorologists only go out on a limb with 7-day predictions, and usually by the end of the given timeframe, a little revision is in order.
But, not Phil. He never takes anything back. He uses no computer models, no weathervanes, and no almanacs. No wonder he’s so popular!
But, at least one among us – and, my guess is just one – wants one of her own for purely selfish interests. Ms. Debra Firmani, writing for the United States Humane Society’s (HSUS) website puts it this way: “For me, it’s not about their annual weather-prediction gig—I just think they’re wonderful animals to watch. For some reason, though, my wildlife-friendly yard—endorsed by countless birds and squirrels—has attracted no groundhogs. Not far away, I often see them foraging along roadsides and trails. But these fleeting glimpses are not enough. I still dream of the day when a groundhog will explore my yard, judge it burrow-worthy, and start digging.”
There must be some way we can help. I don’t suppose those folks in Pennsylvania would ever give up Phil. Besides, why waste the talents of one so illustrious and clever, when any ol’ hay hog – excuse me, woodchuck – will do.
Notwithstanding Phil’s skills, we may have missed a fantastic opportunity with the recent passing of Groundhog Day. But, could you have imagined the ruckus if someone had snatched ol’ Phil away from the circus. (Sorry. I think that’s a bad word.) Such a slithering scoundrel undoubtedly would go to the top of the most wanted list – yes, even ahead of Bin Laden.
Is there a hay farmer out there that wouldn’t allow Ms. Firmani an opportunity to help herself to a few of yours? Hey, I’ll spring (get it?) for a live trap, as long as I get it back after relocation is complete. Now, we must be careful here because HSUS warns on its website that timing is everything: “Before attempting to evict and exclude woodchucks, consider that breeding female woodchucks have dependent young in their burrows from late winter until spring or early summer, and evicting them during this time can be inhumane.”
Now, I’m thinking snatching them from their home at any time might be inhumane, but what would a cold-blooded killer like me know about such things. Wait a minute. We go after the female that’s already bred! That’s it!
Look, Ms. Firmani could hit the jackpot with only one snatch-and-grab. Sure momma ‘chuck might complain a bit, but the rest of the soon-to-be family would never know the difference. Now, if the HSUS will volunteer one of its many animal-friendly weasels to tunnel in with a pregnancy test…
